Friday, 7 March 2014

Harrogate set to be repatriated as Cheshire suburb

Betty - worrying times?
By Edgar Chalmers

Following a hard fought referendum, the people of Harrogate have voted overwhelmingly to return the town back to its Cheshire roots.

Along with its well-to-do residents, the town will be moved brick-by-brick next to Knutsford, just south of Alderley Edge and Wilmslow, and will form one quarter of what will be known as ‘The Aga Quadrangle’.

Rosemary Merchant-Ivory, leader of the ‘Yes to Chesh(ire)’ campaign is overjoyed with the victory and had these words to say on behalf of her minions: ‘We are delighted to be getting out of Yorkshire as it’s awfully cold and my Begonias are simply not happy “up north”. This is a victory of true aspiration and a victory for my Begonias’.

The news will bring about significant change for Yorkshire staple, Betty’s Tearoom. Betty (pictured) is understandably concerned as they are unsure as to the fate of Yorkshire Tea. ‘People drink Yorkshire Tea because it’s a quaint northern cuppa. We don’t know if they will be willing to queue for hours at a time for an expensive dry sandwich and a small cake if it’s not got the imagery of rolling green hills, brass bands and all the other patronising clich├ęs. Cheshire Tea? Not in my lifetime.’ said Betty, the matriarch of the famed, over-crowded tearoom.

We understand that both Norwich and Ipswich are interested in taking over the land that will be vacated by the move. Norwich are desperate for the move to shake off the cursed image of Steve Coogan (played by Alan Partridge) while Ipswich are interested in taking over because Norwich are interested. Bidding for the land is set to run deep into 2015 and could trigger an increase in polite indifference from the rival conurbations.

It has been confirmed that North Yorkshire Council are inviting expressions of interest from quaint foreign towns just as long as they’re not too foreign.

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