Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Celeb Resolutions, 2013.

The Dodo Times reveals the New Year resolutions of the great and good.

Nick Clegg – Nick was going to promise to stand up for his real values, but was quickly shouted down by David Cameron (pictured) and promised to give up chocolate instead.

Pippa Middleton – Has promised her sister that she won’t try and outshine the birth of the royal baby by withdrawing her arse from all public engagements.

Colin Collymore – The Dodo Times’ sports writer has declared that he will himself be sportier. On the list of sports that he will take up are rhythmic badminton, drunken judo and the 110m hurdles.

Piers Morgan – Piers promised to stop being a complete and utter cunt, but failed his resolution mere seconds after the final chimes of Big Ben.

Michael Barrymore – The presenter of the ever-popular Strike it Lucky and Strike it Rich has promised to keep on top of cleaning his swimming pool.

Gail from Coronation Street – Has promised to use 2013 to grow a chin.

Edgar Chalmers – The Dodo Times’ paranoia writer will be making an effort to understand other cultures and to embrace new things, so long as they aren’t foreign.

Tom Baker - Has vowed to try and patch things up with his estranged body, with the hope that he can be more than a dis-embodied voice.

Lily Allen – Has vowed to record more shows on her ‘loverlly’ Sky Plus box. Hopefully with all that TV to watch, it will keep her out of the recording studio.

Brian Blessed – Brian will be striving to use his indoor voice.

Lydia Muff-Footle – The Dodo Times’ female correspondent has vowed to take time to enjoy the simple things in life, like Belgian chocs, store cards and killer heels. And has promised to have “fun fun fun!”and keep on showing the boys how it’s done.

Paul McCartney – See Piers Morgan.

And finally, John Littlejohn has vowed to bring back National Service...

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