Monday, 21 January 2013

Armstrong tests positive for synthetic substances

Oprah - Yesterday
By Colin Collymore 

Noted strong-man, Stretch Armstrong has tested positive in a recent doping test. He has now been charged by the Federation Associating the Really Tough (FART) and could be stripped of all titles, image rights and profits from merchandise sales if found guilty.  The Stretch Armstrong movie, set for release in 2014 has now been shelved indefinitely.

Armstrong has so far been unavailable for comment but will be conducting an interview with Oprah Winnets (pictured).

The Management company of Armstrong, Kenner Products, have viciously refuted the charges.  A spokesman said that “Everything that we have achieved with Stretch has come from hard work and strong leadership, we are an ethical team and we will be vindicated.  Thanks to these trumped up ‘charges’, we stand to lose millions in sponsorship deals as the trial by media has now begun; we will clear Stretch’s name or we will snap trying”.

The charges have also compromised Armstrong’s charity foundation, ‘LiveStretchArmstrong’ – the charity for men who have injured themselves by masturbating too vigorously.  The charity has asked for his resignation forthwith but to this point he has refused. 

The media trial continues…

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