Thursday, 20 December 2012

Wanking crisis 'set to explode'.

by John Littlejohn

The Dodo Times can exclusively reveal that the Wank Bank crisis has come to a head this week as the IMF (International Masturbation Fodder) has warned of a serious wankonomic crisis the likes of which the world has yet to see.

According to Professor Pauline Cox, the issue is a complex one, telling our on of our reporters that “it’s actually quite a complex issue”, adding that it was due to a combination of factors, saying “it’s due to a combination of disparate factors.” When pushed for a firm response, we were told in no uncertain terms to please leave here property, because it was seven o’clock in the morning, saying “please leave my property, it’s seven o’clock in the fucking morning,”

Dodo scientographers believe that if the base wankery levels don’t improve by the middle of next year, this could lead to a blockage in the Wank Bank, which will be followed by an enormous surge which will leave most major cities in Britain and America to be coated in a Wank Bank meltdown that could surpass even Bukkake Wednesday for the mess it will make.

The problem has been blamed on a lack of reinvestment, and on a constant recycling of old favourites; but with Gillian Anderson resembling a hagraven, Angelina Jolie (pictured) looking like a skeleton with a funny mouth plastered on. And Pamela Anderson looking like a garish clown, their allure has been replaced by universal revulsion.

A spokesman from the British Nation Party was quick to blame foreigners for clogging up the internet with German transvestite rubber fetishists, Brazilian fart lovers and Japanese sea monsters taking a brunt of the blame. The spokesman argued that “We didn’t win two world wars and one world cup to have some fat German bloke shake his junk and ruin an hour of solid, ahem, research. We want British wanks for British people.”

The G20 are painstakingly working on a bailout package to provide a needed stimulus for millions of bored and lonely men. The idea has been described by Nick Clegg as “about as good as a wet fart”. A recent hack by the Dodo Times of Mr Clegg’s hard-drive can reveal that this is most likely a good thing. It is hoped that these measures will help to relieve the tension.

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