Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Rik Astley concert ends 'in chaos'.

by John Littlejohn

A sell-out concert of 80s pop-heartthrob Rik Astley (pictured) ended in chaos last night as thousands of adoring fans rioted and demanded a full refund costing the venue, the promoter and the artist thousands of pounds in lost revenue and reparations.

The violence started when 80s pop-sensation Astley performed his popular hit ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ to the packed arena. Expecting universal and unrelenting adulation, Astley was shocked to be quickly drowned out by the sound of boos, cat-calls and the smashing of chairs and toilet seats. Bottles and glasses were thrown stage-bound with reckless abandon as Astley’s aides quickly removed him from the fray.

One eye-witness reported seeing a middle-aged fat woman and a couple of students who were there ironically hurling one of Astley’s amplifiers into the merchandise stand, ripping four T-shirts and knocking over a life-sized Astley love doll featuring two usable holes and a vibrating protrusion.

One rioter noted that the violence started when the audience believed that the show had been a dupe. “I paid good money to see Rik Astley, but when I realised I’d been Rik-rolled I knew it was time to smash some shit up.” Another rioter told our reporter that the show had been going swimmingly “until he fucking tricked us into watching ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ – fucker”.

With five people dead and the ashes of the Leyton Buzzard Academy still smouldering, we say that it is high time that Astley was strung-up. I didn’t pay my licence fee for this.

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