Saturday, 8 December 2012

Celebrity Nonce Sweep 2013

The Dodo’s annual Nonce Sweep odds are in. Who is odds-on favourite to fall into the ‘no smoke without fire’ bracket next?

Piers Morgan – even odds
Recently declared the worst man alive, Morgan is the Dodo’s firm favourite for confirmed noncehood in the next twelve months.

The evidence:
His ITV2 shows, including: ‘She’s a Big Girl Now’, ‘All Grown Up’, and ‘Child Start Letch Fest’.
He has a paedo’s mouth, voice, haircut and face.
His cellar is filled with thousands of children’s shoes.


Louis Theroux – 3:1
The smugumentary maker comes out of nowhere to be one of next year’s top tips.

The evidence:
As a documentary maker he must spend a lot of time “researching” – and we all know what that means.
Was his cover-up of Saville’s atrocities a coincidence?
He looks a bit dodgy.


Noddy Holder – 6:1

Brummie Glitter-alike Noddy (pictured) is a sure-fire hit on next year’s nonce list – be careful though, he might want to feel more than just the noize.

The evidence:
He and Glitter shopped at the same perverted shoe shop.
He was a celebrity in the 1970s.
He is a terrible speller, and as scientographers have noted, nonces are always poor spellers.


Noel Fielding – 20:1
The smirky comedian and favourite with teenage girls has been hiding in his lair for long enough.

The evidence:
He tells jokes to attract young girls to his sinister lair.
He wears funny outfits.
His nose looks very odd, which can only mean one thing.


Katie Price – 25:1
Nobody believes in the existence of paedoladies, but that’s how they get you.

The evidence:
She claims to write books for children - why just children?
She has gone under many assumed names including Katie Price, Jordan, and Tits.
Her face and body have taken on many disguises, with surgery being used to stop her being recognised by the authorities.

1 comment:

  1. James May.

    He's known for liking toys but has no children of his own, he likes cars and has noncey hair.

    I'll give you 7-1.