Sunday, 18 November 2012

'Schofield's Law': Government unveil new anti-nonce legislation.

by Edgar Chalmers

Home Secretary Theresa May has passed a new law that clearly states that ‘there’s no smoke without fire’.

The interpretation of what has been dubbed as “Schofield’s Law” after celebrity nonce-hunter Philip Schofield (pictured), suggests that the police have new powers to arrest someone they suspect of being a bit noncey. The legislation will also bring into law the long-awaited ‘trial by Twitter’ which will be phased in to replace Judges and Juries; and from next Thursday any innuendo made in the tabloid press can now be used as evidence in a Court of Law.

Schofield, 50, of Henley-on-Thames is delighted with the announcement: “Speaking as a father, it’s about time that we did something about the paedo problem in this country - the government are too soft on nonces and we need to get them before they nonce one of our children up. I call on the people of this country to stop anyone who looks like a nonce, spends more than five minutes near a school, or has ever watched a children’s football match.”

Anthony Horowitz, author and patron of children’s charity, Kidscape is behind the new law. “Finally, someone is thinking of children, but not in THAT way”.

Shadow Home Secretary, Yvette Cooper, is opposed to this legislation. “I think this is all a wonderful idea and can see absolutely no problem with it, but as Shadow Home Secretary I am naturally opposed to it.”

Meanwhile, May has also announced that as a child protection measure, all voters in polling stations at schools must be CRB checked.

1 comment:

  1. Brilliant website 😊 I'm glad I was told about it earlier today

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