Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Giant crab terrorises Westminster; Pickles blamed.

by Colin Dignitas

It’s the sort of thing usually seen in Hollywood summer blockbuster movies; but in an unusual twist of reality, it was announced today that the Palace of Westminster – the building which houses the Houses of Parliament and House of Lords – is being terrorised by a giant crab.

The crab, a hitherto unknown species, was discovered on Tuesday morning by Palace cleaner Mrs. Edna Sprockett. Mrs Sprockett, 57, from Putney, who had just come in to mop the floor of the central lobby before the Prime Minister arrived for work, when she discovered the crab crouching in a corner picking through a waste bin for food. After disturbing the crab, it then skittered off across the lobby and hid under a bench where it looked out at her, clacking its pincers occasionally.

“It was something of a shock.” Mrs Sprockett told The Dodo Times earlier. “It’s not the sort of thing you expect to find going on in such an iconic location. I’ve been cleaning for most of my adult life, and I must have mopped or vacuumed nearly all of the corridors of power in this country, but I have never seen a giant crab rummaging through a waste bin for food before - especially not in a government building.”

Nobody is yet sure where the crab came from; but in Westminster, rumours are rife that it may have escaped from Eric Pickles’ lunch box, which is delivered by fork lift truck every day at 12.00. Mr. Pickles has not yet commented on the rumours, but a departmental aide told me that he is fairly sure that the crab couldn’t have come from Mr Pickles, as he was sure that on Monday – the day prior to the crab’s appearance – he went out for a light lunch at an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in North London.

Whatever the crab’s origins one thing is for certain, the arrival of former deputy Prime Minister John Prescott in Westminster this morning carrying a bottle of mayonnaise and a large fork does not bode well for the creature.

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