Monday, 9 November 2015

Unemployed man breaks record for watching Top Gear

Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond, yesterday
By Dave Teevee

A 35 year old man from Leeds has broken the record for binge-watching every episode of Top Gear on Dave.

He managed this feat by dragging his sorry arse out of bed and then switching on his Television.  

It didn't matter what time in the afternoon he first turned on, the cretinous trio who can be seen whenever you switch to Dave.  

The record broke the previous one of 4 weeks and six days, the unnamed individual has managed it by being unemployed for a mere two weeks and two days.  

When asked what he's going to do now, he said 'dunno, probably have a wank'.  

We at The Dodo Times would like to congratulate him on his sterling effort.  

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Revealed: Prince Harry's diabolical plans to become King

by Our Royal Correspondent,

The Royal Family is in turmoil today after an investigation by The Dodo Times uncovered a series of plots by Prince Harry to become King.

Papers outlining the dastardly schemes were found stuffed into the pockets of Prince Harry's favourite Nazi uniform which had been sent for dry cleaning.

Prince Harry, yesterday

One shocking plot would have seen his brother and nephew trampled by a herd of buffalo, with contingencies set in place if Prince George manages to escape and live in exile with a meerkat and a warthog before returning as an adult to reclaim his throne.

The plans also reveal the Prince's ambitions to travel back in time to stop Prince William and his coatstand wife from meeting at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

Another plot would have seen his family being slaughtered during a wedding feast.

Buckingham Palace dismissed the allegations as a "complete and utter fabrication", but this reporter can assure you they are not.

Prince Charles said: "As much as I hate the little bastard, I'd rather talk about the plight of lillywarts."

Follow: @TheDodoTimes

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Celebs set for new jungle challenge

by Robert Kilgore Trout

The Dodo Times has learned that ITV1 hit show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Here will be filmed in Calais from next year.

The show, which gained popularity by degrading and humiliating scores of hapless B-list celebs, will see 16 vaguely famous contestants endure the hardship of the Jungle for six weeks in an effort to raise their profile.

Throughout the process, the desperate attention-cravers will take on a series of challenges which include: the catching, skinning and eating of rats, cats, dogs and refugees; negotiating for their lives and internal organs with Syrian gangsters; and to try and board the underside of a truck without falling to their deaths or dying from exposure.

Ant and/or Dec, yesterday

A number Heat-seekers have already expressed an interest in taking part, including: that one off of Gogglebox; the guy who did that beard growing video on YouTube; and UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

Vanessa Feltz's bloke Big Ben said the show looks to be a 'rip-roaring, laugh-a-minute, hilarity-fest'.

He said: "I'm throwing my hat into the ring, again. I'm hoping this time they take me on.

"I've been in Look, Now, Heat - I was on Pointless Celebrities and I did that song. You know? That song: 'Hey, what's wrong with you-oo-oo?' That was me."

Ubiquitous ITV staples Ant and/or Dec have confirmed they will be presenting and executive producing the show.

In an intercepted phone message to the other one, Ant and/or Dec said: "Oh no, PJ's blind! Remember that? Remember Ready to Rumble? Oh, why aye, that was good that was."

It is predicted that on Ant and/or Dec will emerge from the process with their dignities intact.

Follow: @TheDodoTimes.

Sunday, 25 October 2015

Recruitment consultant: 'My job has meaning'

by John Littlejohn

A Leeds-based recruitment consultant has convinced himself that his job has value. 

Darren Artichoke, 26, told researchers at Newcastle-under-Lyme University that recruiting other recruitment consultants for Meta-Recruitment Solutions was one of the most rewarding jobs in the entire world.

He said: “I know people bang on about doing something worthwhile like refugee mining or charity chugging, but I’m 26 years old, I’m on a cool 29k and I living life to the max.”

Mr Artichoke said he had ambitions to set up his own recruitment consultancy specialising in head-hunting the best recruiters to find the most dynamic and passionate recruitment consultants with a commitment to recruitment.

He said: “For me, it’s all about finding blue sky solutions for off-base problems.

“We’re always gonna need meta-recruitment – you think Napoleon could have won World War Two if he hadn’t used recruitment consultants? Exactly.”

Monday, 21 September 2015

Piggate: Family comes out in defence of David Cameron

by John Littlejohn,

David Cameron, today
The family of the dead pig whose face was prodded by David Cameron’s man-sausage* has come out in the Prime Minister’s defence.

The relatives of Sir Trufflesnout said that having his dead face humped by a future Prime Minister was “what he would have wanted.”

A family spokesman said the Trufflesnouts have been “driven rind the bend by reporters,” adding that the allegations “are sow two-thousand-and-late.”

Mr Cameron made his "Bill Clinton" statement during a family outing to Hampshire.

Mr Cameron said: “Today has been the wurst day of my life, but I hope these words will help to save my bacon because when I first heard about this, I thought it was a rib.

“When I saw pulled pork was on the menu I thought it would be a nice Chorizo I can only apologise for being such a jerky," he said.

“I ham truly sorry.”


Saturday, 19 September 2015

Tories unveil plans to improve the lives of the super-rich

by John Littlejohn,

Chancellor George Osborne has outlined a new set of policies that will improve the lives of some of the richest people in the UK. 

Mr Osborne’s “Fuck the Poor” white paper could see sweeping reforms of welfare, justice and healthcare, and include a measure to make it compulsory for all members of the Cabinet to have served for at least three years in the Bullingdon Club, thus cementing tradition into law.

Under the policy, anyone deemed to be one of Boris Johnson’s mates will be given immunity from prosecution and poor people accused of a crime will be forced to volunteer at one of PoundLand’s labour camps – the same will also apply for any disableds or doleys.

Food banks will be forced to reform their working practises, with calls for food bank bosses to be paid large annual bonuses and for them to invest more of their capital in derivates such as soy and entrails.

Sun columnist Katie Hopkins will be called in as a special adviser to the Government on refugee and mental health policy.   

George Osborn, yesterday

Mr Osborne said: “The policies are a part of our long-term economic plan. It is a simple choice between a clear, steady hand, or complete and utter chaos on the other.

He added: “There a two types of people in this world: the good, honest, hard-working super-rich and worthless fucking plebs.”

Mr Osborne said the money saved will allow him reduce the level of tax paid by the one per cent richest in the UK.

Communist leader Jeremy Corbyn said he disagreed with Mr Osborne’s plans, but he would.

Friday, 18 September 2015

Jeremy Corbyn poised to destroy the solar system

by Rod Ladle

Brian Cox, yesterday
Scientographers have warned that communist leader Jeremy Corbyn may risk destroying the solar system if he turns into a super-duper black hole.

Fears were raised by ubiquitous science go-to-guy Professor Brian Cox after Comrade Corbyn-Laden started showing signs of developing an event horizon.

Hundreds of reporters have found themselves unable to escape what is becoming known in political circles as the red singularity.

Those caught within the singularity find it impossible to write about anything else, with concerns mounting that soon light and matter will also be sucked in.

Prof Cox said: “The red singularity is one of those rare wonders in science that can't help but fill one with a sense of the divine.

“Mr Corbyn’s magnetism appears to be straddling the electromagnetic spectrum like a fat boy on a butcher’s bike.”

Copies of the Daily Express can be held up when near the Corbynator as a means of protection, but for many it is already too late.

Three Dodo Times reporters have found themselves trapped by the red menace – Xenu willing, they will emerge unscathed.

We did not approach Mr Corbyn for a comment because he is a cad and a bounder and would only start spouting communist propaganda before chinning our photographer.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Hulk Hogan denies being a racist

by John Littlejohn

Samuel L. Jackson, yesterday
Hulk Hogan has denied being a racist after mistaking Samuel L. Jackson for Lawrence Fishburne. 

Appearing on ITV's Loose Women to apologise for previous allegations of racism, Hogan, 84, told fellow guest, Matrix star Samuel L. Jackson, that he thought he was awesome in the Green Mile.

Hogan, best known for his starring role as hapless babysitter Shep Ramsey in Santa With Muscles, later explained that he had made an honest mistake in identifying Mr Jackson because his eyes and ears with clogged with apologetic tears.

He said: “Let me tell you something Mean Gene. All the little Hulkamaniacs are saying their prayers and taking their vitamins, brother.

“What you gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild over you?” he added.

Mr Jackson was unavailable to comment, although this reporter believes he would have probably said a lot of swears.

Mr Fishburne, best known for playing an armed robber in Coming To America starring Eddie Murphy, said he was just glad to finally get some recognition.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Jeremy Corbyn wants to ban Christmas and puppies

by John Littlejohn

Jeremy Corbyn, yesterday
Jeremy Corbyn has said he will ban Christmas and puppies if his party is elected in the 2020 General Election.

The communist leader outlined his plans during a Nuremberg Rally style event outside a chip-ship in his London constituency.

Mr Corbyn told his extremist followers that Christmas and puppies represent the excesses of “decadent Western values.”

He said: “My aim as your supreme ayatollah is to create a migrant pipeline between here and Bongo Bongo Land.

“Under my iron fist, you won’t be able to say the word 'Jesus' or wear a poppy because it might offend a Muslamic “

Following an evil cackle, Mr Corbyn spat on this non-bias reporter and told a good, honest hedge fund manager to kill herself (yes, a lady hedge fund manager).

Prime Minister David Cameron said Mr Corbyn was “a silly sod”, but assured the Dodo Times that everything is going to be fine.

Monday, 14 September 2015

STOCK (photo), HORROR!

By Edgar Chalmers

"Hath the well runneth dry?" (W. Shakespeare, Henry XII, P24)
It has been reported that there could be a shortage of File Pictures which could bring local rag merchants like Mirror Group or Johnston Press to their knees.

Organisations like these have always been able to rely on a vast archive of people holding their heads in their hands when discussing mental health issues and of gunt-high pictures of fatties when talking about fatties.

A spokesperson for Mirror Group emerged from a Toby Carvery to confirm that the stock picture shortage could mean that they will now have to keep recycling the same picture of an old man holding a walking stick when talking about anyone over the age of 47.

He said of the crisis: ‘Long gone are the days when you could do a story with a real picture, nowadays it’s all file pictures. The problem is that we are now so lazy that the same picture of a Policeman is used for any crime story; unfortunately, that’s just how we like it’.

We also caught up with a spokes-Jock from Johnston Press at their head office in Edinburgh. He said something in Scottish whilst eating a deep-fried Mars Bar. We think that he was also concerned about the crisis, though we’re not sure.

We will keep you up to date with any developments by posting a picture of a newspaper press with the words “Breaking News” stencilled over it.

Thursday, 10 September 2015

Michael Aspel performs his second miracle

by Rod Ladle

Aspel, yesterday
Veteran broadcaster Michael Aspel (pictured) is one step closer to being canonised as a saint after performing a second miracle.

The 93-year-old presenter was praised by Cardinals at Pope HQ after not dropping the N-bomb while reciting the children’s nursery rhyme ‘Eeny, meeny, miny, moe’.

Cardinal Chung Nabooti Mohammed-Jones said: “Many have used all of their might and all of their power not to use the N-word.

“Through the grace of God Michael has performed a miracle, replacing the most dreadful of words with God’s holy creation – the tiger.

“Instead of begging for forgiveness like a chump on the YouTube, he has moved one step closer to Godliness.”

Sources close to Aspel have said he was trying to choose which one of the Ant and/or Dec he would like to kiss hardest.

For his first miracle, Aspel avoided the prying eyes of Yew tree operatives after no allegations of sexual offences dating back to the 1970s were made to police.

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

China discovers cock on moon, NASA blamed.

by Colin Dignitas

United States space agency NASA was embroiled in scandal yesterday when newly taken images of the Apollo 17 landing site by a Chinese space camera revealed what appears to be a giant penis etched into the lunar surface.

Space High Imaging Technology Enterprise - the Chinese company behind the new images – started taking the new images three months ago to go into a touring exhibition that will travel across China as part of the government’s campaign to publicise their intention to send a crew of Chinese astronauts to the Moon in 2018. Herbert Chung, head of operations at S.H.I.T.E. told the story of his discovery to me via Skype earlier today.

“I came to work one morning last week and began to review the images that had been taken overnight. I looked down and saw a huge penis looking back up at me and I immediately called in my secretary to show her. Her mouth was open and she took a step back in astonishment. She said she had never seen one that large.”

Mr. Chung then enlarged the penis and took it to show the president of the company, Hu Xiao Dong, who immediately alerted his contacts within the newly unveiled Chinese government. It has not been confirmed whether the images will be used in the exhibition, but if they are the penis is likely to be pixelated as it is illegal to display such images according to Chinese law.

NASA is yet to comment officially on the discovery, however a source within the catering department at the Houston branch secretly told me that there had been much talk of the discovery in the staff canteen.

“There has been much talk of the discovery in the staff canteen.” He told me secretly. “The rumour is that either Eugene Cernan or Harrison Schmidt did it with their foot, or maybe a stick they found somewhere, those guys got up to all kinds of stuff when there were in space, it wouldn’t surprise me if they found a ton of other body parts scratched into the lunar dust. Or maybe even words, probably something nasty about hairy Russian women.”

NASA been bogged down with controversy in recent years following the revelation that Apollo 15 astronaut James Irwin accidentally killed his pet dog Chachi after leaving the window of the Lunar Module open so it didn’t get too hot while he and Mission Commander David Scott were out walking around. The dog escaped and floated off into space and got run over by an asteroid. The body orbited the Moon for nearly 8 months before being recovered by the crew of Apollo 16 and brought back to Earth where it was put on display in the NASA museum. It was the only American dog ever lost on a space mission.

This latest scandal will hit NASA hard at a time when many are questioning its continued publicly-funded role in modern American society at a time of severe austerity.